Happy 4th!

Today is like no other as far as what I'm up to. Chelsea is with her dad, I am home, right now archiving old journal entries. I'll be cleaning and sending out resumes this weekend. Really trying to get things in order.

Weight Watchers has been going really really well. Found an awesome meeting on the UWS. This leader Diane is incredible. She's kept her weight off for 38 years and seems to know the program inside out. She's motivating and inspiring!

As of my last weigh in, I'm down 23.2. I had my first weigh in at the end of March but didn't really follow the program and didn't go back for a few weeks. When I did go back in the first week of May, I was up 5lbs. From that weight, I'm down 28.2 from 5/5/09. Either total is fine with me, really. It's still less that what I was and I'm still working the program!

I'm feeling kind of down in the dumps today for all sorts of reasons but I'm trying to remain positive. I've got alot to get done this weekend.

Lost another 4.8 this week. It's finally coming easy to me again. It feels good to be in control. I hit my 5% milestone. (didn't know that was one, but so they tell me, lol)

I'm not in any rush nor do I get discouraged. I've incorporated this plan into my life, and this time I feel it's for good. :)

Dating, I haven't been focusing on it much really. It's kind of on the back burner to the other things I've got going on...including trying to get my health on track. The time I have to myself needs to spent on myself and bettering myself....not really involving any new people to the fold.

I'm feeling really good today, like nothing can get me down.

The ducks are lining up, at least one of them is standing on it's mark.

I weighed in on Tuesday and lost 9 lbs this week. NINE! I feel completely in control, it's coming easy and I'm just doing it. It's strangely as simple as that. =)

Current Mood: cheerful

...and in spite of my day of indulgence yesterday I'm not worried. I found a really really good meeting last week with this leader Diane. She hit the nail on the head on alot of issues. 

I've done well this week. I've been keeping track of everything and holding myself accountable.

I've had a few light bulbs go off lately, and really took a good look at myself, my health and the big picture. I'm sure I'm going to have a loss this week with all the changes I've made. 

The one thing that sucks, is that of COURSE my boss tells me not to come in tomorrow and my meetings are on Tuesdays. I'll be shlepping it into the city on my day off. I'm worth it though. :)  
 

Current Mood: anxious

The responses / emails I get....either they're like 21...or if they're my age, they're a mess. I'm not sure what's worse. :( 

Current Mood: disappointed

Well....good news...my edema isn't due to my heart. Surprise, it never was. I went to a new doctor in the city that actually gave me an echo in his office and said that my left heart function is still a little diminished but right function is fine. The right vent failure is what would cause edema, so now I've got to go to an internist to find out exactly what is causing it. Personally...I think I know what it is...and it has to do with the very large number present on the scale but I do have to be sure.

This dr. put me back on all my meds. Fosinopril, Coreg. I had run out of Coreg for a bit and he thinks that's what's caused my heart function to be less than what I thought it was. So back on the mind bending Coreg. fun.

I really need to get my health in order...seriously. Being heavy sucks.

got stuff to do in jamaica today.

then...recreation! a date with someone new! :) Let's hope for nothing catastrophic.

Current Mood: cheerful

I was helping and even nicer to know that now I'm NOT. :)

Current Mood: lonely

ugh...where to begin.

I've had bronchitis for about a week, got my antibiotic the other day and have been taking it. I'm still short of breath but it's not the SAME wheezing short of breath that comes with bronchitis, its that old familiar sob that comes with chf.

I've had no shortness of breath due to my chf in ages. I've been good with taking my water pill, but what I haven't been doing is watching what I've been eating. I've been pretty bad.

So last night, I wake with this gurgling wheeze....I knew I didn't take my water pill since tuesday morning, and well I ate like a pig tuesday, tuesday night, wednesday afternoon...etc.

I sit up, catch my breath, check my legs (edema), and it's pretty bad, nothing I haven't seen before but bad. This gurgling wheeze was something COMPLETELY new though. All the time I had the cardiomyopathy while pregnant, and the chf while recovering from my c-section and ppcm, my lungs NEVER had fluid in them. I was coughing water and I was terrified. So rather than couple an anxiety attack along with my sob and my gurgle...I took my water pills, doubled up because i missed a dose, went and laid on the couch recliner with my head elevated so I could breathe, and waited to have to pee every 30 minutes..which started about an hour after i took the pills. (FUN NIGHT).

So after about 2 hours of solid sleep and a bagillion trips to the potty,I wake and my edema is much better, and my gurgle...is pretty much gone. Scared the crap out of me...but it's a reality check. Stop eating like a pig, and make a fucking cardiologist appointment dammit.

I hate ailments. :(

Current Mood: tired

The gentleman and I are done.

I'm sad but I know the guy's so confused and really I don't need someone like that in my life.

To think I sat there while he had me on this rollercoaster from hell because I care about him and felt this strong connection to him. I basically let him sort out his stuff at my expense. I sat there and tried to tell him not to tell me he loves me until he's sure he doesn't want to see other people, knowing that in his situation, he should want to see other people. What does he do? Tells me he loves me and days later, takes it back....says we moved too fast and he DOES want to see other people.

We have so much in common and so many things about us are alike, we just seemed like we fit. I felt so comfortable in his arms, and i KNOW it was mutual. He's got to see what else is out there, and while I understand that, I don't appreciate the rollercoaster. It doesn't make it hurt and less that he wants to see other people when I thought we were so into each other. He was telling me he could see us being serious, that he doesn't think he's going to find someone else with a connection to him like we have. I understnad the need to look, but it kills me when I'm standing in front of him just trying to make him happy, in spite of all the fucked up things he said to me.

Last night was an issue. He told me there's really very little he'd change about me...and that little thing is my weight. This made me wonder if this is why he can't commit to me. I'm sure alot of it has to do with the way his wife left him. This devastated me last night and we talked and things got heated and i got a bit nasty.

We agree to see each other today, fool around. He's got a date tomorrow, and we got to discussing that and last night. Ended up breaking up and leaving him in the room. I feel terrible but at the same time don't. He said he doesn't think we can see each other anymore bc i want something serious and he doesn't. WELL, good luck finding what we had...or better. psh.

I was thinking I needed to wait before dating again...but I'm not feeling so weepy and miserable so I think I'm going to try and make plans. I've got 2 on okc that are interested so we'll see what happens. :)

Current Mood: optimistic

I just could not stay asleep. I thought about journaling...I've got a great deal on my mind, but I felt that it would make me worse. My brain was just in overdrive last night, and I just could not relax. I was up and down half the night at least.

Today at work, so far is ok. I'm getting ready to order my lunch.

FUN.

BIG trouble.

I'm meeting a friend nearby for lunch and then comes the rearrangement of the bedroom...It's going to be hell but in the end things are going to be alot more tolerable in this little room.

It was one year ago today I had my accident. Go me for turning my life upside down! :)

i am even surprised.

Current Mood: cranky

doing little of what I planned to do today...surfing job listings, getting my mobwars fix, cleaning...haven't gone to the dr yet. I'm such a procrastinator...but I'm actually feeling a bit better.

I had alot of trouble sleeping last night, was up like every hour. It was completely awful. I definitely see a nap in my very near future.

I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I don't like people.
I ate too much today.
I can't stop coughing.
I can't sleep.
No one's around.
Just me and my friend Misery.
Ick.

Current Mood: exhausted

and out of my ass.

Crossers beware.

I mean really...do what you have to do, because the decisions you make in your life, unless they concern the child, I don't give a shit about. You are no longer my problem...stop trying to be.

Current Mood: aggravated

I can never forgive him. Ever.

Breakfast was awful, went completely off this morning...but lunch was better, and I'm doing my best to not go out for a piece of chocolate. (I have a justified "need", but I'm trying not to eat emotionally)

Dinnner, mom set up a slow cooker chicken, I can manage myself with that, because I'm not uber crazy about it. Last night, I went way overboard with everything...and just figured I'd start again today. {sigh} I've got to get back into my ww groove. I'm not meant to be this big. 

I spoke with Sheri last night...she's only been gone a few weeks and I miss her so much. :(  Sucks!  She really knows how to help me screw my head on straight when I'm a bit off kilter, and yesterday...I was way off kilter. Totally not myself. :( Thankfully today is better.

I'm a ding. I make mountians out of molehills. Why can't I leave well enough alone?

Current Mood: annoyed with myself!

Just had lunch...and it wasn't so bad. The whole grain pasta was, well, grainy...but it was definitely do-able.

Current Mood: accomplished

I'm so congested this morning it's not even funny....my head is killing me.

In reading some of my past entries...I've found it motivational. Back to when I first found weight watchers and how mastering it made me feel...and seeing the results. I want that feeling again. I want to be on top of my game again....I want to feel really good about myself again....so today....my unofficial start. I probably won't get to a meeting till the weekend, but I know what I weigh, and it's ugly. I know what my diet has consisted of, and it's nasty. This morning, I made a big change, well a few changes. Gave up my morning iced tea and butter on my muffin, and I went back to egg whites, rather than whole eggs. Lunch - pasta - WHOLE GRAIN pasta. I hate the stuff, but i'm drowning it in sauce and part skim ricotta. (for 2 points!). Dinner...well mom is making corned beef and cabbage. Will NOT touch the cabbage, but I will be careful with the corned beef, and really watch my portions.

I know I can do this. I've done it. I can do it again. :)

is not always a good place for me to be!

I'm apparently fighting a nasty cold. I can't sleep and my brain is on overdrive, buzzing with everything that's going on in my life.

I overanalyze everything....ok well maybe not EVERYTHING...but enough.

I pretty much forgot all about you! :)

I'm gonna start sleeping in her crib.

My bean kicks my ASS when she sleeps here. She SHOULDN'T be in this bed. Every time Randy gets up to tend to her in the middle of the night, he just brings her into bed. So wrong, and then neither one of us get any sleep.

I'm going back to bed for an hour, I ordered her back to her crib so he's in her room with her giving her a bottle. {sigh}

Current Mood: annoyed and exhausted

and I still have 13 flex points. OK for most that may not be very good but for me, it's nothing small of a miracle. =)

I'm feeling inspired this week. Who knows what will happen. Maybe even a loss this week. *gasp!*

Alright...30 seconds is all I have to spare today. I'm SWAMPED.

Current Mood: okay

Damn you Lays Light Potato Chips...Damn you to HELL!

Current Mood: sick

Chelsea said a new word last night! While I was changing her diaper and talking to her she said "diaper"! Her version...."Di-der"

=)

Current Mood: busy

but the prep was stressful. She didn't nap before it either so she was a daddy clinging, thumbsucking mess. She looked adorable though! Today she did something new, after work, Randy was outside with her to pick me up. I took her for a few and brought her up to say hi to my bosses and some coworkers. She was SHY! She was burying her head in my chest, and when too many people would come over and she was walking she would put her face in my leg. So cute but the shyness came out of nowhere!

Anyhow, some new pics of my TODDLER!!